7 Most Badass Kenyan Men

So, the criteria for this list was not how many wars the men featured have fought, or how many county’s they’ve been arrested in (Sonko is disqualified), or how many Chuck Norris’ they’ve castrated (which rules out Makmende), or even how many Kenyans they’ve openly raped (which rules out the entire National Assembly, in a way). Balls in badass men are determined by acts or things they did that one with a normal wrinkly scrotum would not on a normal day.

You will find a trend here, people who openly defied their wives (note, no mention of domestic violence, I mean defy, embarrass, show said balls in public) feature prominently because the wife is the one who can cut your balls as you are  soundly  asleep , she has more power than the government, and is second only to God who only needs  think them off. So, here goes…

#7 Daniel Arap Moi

With 24 years to try, even I could be in this list, so his presence is more than expected, right? This is the man with three permanent pairs of balls of titanium, with three alloy pairs hidden in the rungu he carries everywhere, right? (Yes, it is no longer sedition to suggest the man carries his wee wee in his hand).

Moi, wanking the said wee wee (note the look of pleasure on his face)

Actually, Mzee Moi makes it to this list because of things that happened before 1983. First, as Kumekucha will tell you, Moi was humiliated more than enough times, once being made to strip at JKIA by some low cop…and he did (at this point, I curse you with a nude image of Moi, you need a confessor?).

Then there were the whippings from the Mzee himself, plus he probably had to learn Kikuyu because matters of cabinet were in the mother tongue. However, the first case of fear turned into complete badassery was the day Kenyatta died. Now, you see, back in those days, democracy was not even a word learnt in school, it was a concept that had not even been born, the country was run from bar stools in Gatundu and from Uhuru’s primary school (most probably). Moi knew he was a marked man, since Kenyatta had been dying for sometime now but no one could plan a transition (Njonjo, ever-so-creative, had charged some guys with ‘imagining the death of the president’ which it turns out, is a crime against a deity) so he had gone to his Nakuru home to hide. When he had to come to Nairobi to either be sworn in or executed in what would be today Moi Avenue (oh wait, he named that after himself, not the Mboya thing all over again, right?).

There was a militia group called Ngoroko (which shall probably feature as badass if we ever do a piece on gangs), formed to ensure the presidency was not his and they had erected several road blocks to ensure Moi (clearly Foursquare was not in existence then) did not make it to Nairobi. To beat the roadblocks, Moi did what any badass guy would, he walked right towards the roadblock and died in a hail of poisoned arrows after killing 100 men,right?. No, he went for something unpresidential. He was stuffed into the boot of a Peugeot 404 (as if they have any, compared to the Probox), his long hardened Kalenjin ass travelled almost all the way to Nairobi in that boot. And that was back when it took about almost five hours to travel the distance.

Now, if that is not badassery, what is? Oh, and did I mention that in 1982 coup, He was stuffed in a military tank in what was dubbed Operation Maji Machafu, all the way from his Kabarak home (Methinks he likes small enclosed spaces, it would explain why he carries his wee wee in his hand). The man’s balls are most certainly obliterated from this two experiences, but thank God he had several spares embedded in his stick (pun intended> He is the least badass though…

Am I the only one who sees the three balls?

#6 Timothy Njoya

Now am sure you’ve seen the clip of this guy being whipped like a rowdy rhinoceros on heat. He is hit basically anywhere a straight stick measuring 1 metre can reach when swung with enough force. I am sure one of those cops was a golfer, or at least a caddy, from the way they handled the swing and whipped this man of the cloak. Did he go out again…you can bet his badass he did!

...and what has Hulk done to deserve the name "Incredible'?

#5 Kimani Maruge

If you are old enough to be reading this, then the thought of going back to Form One (Note, not even Class Eight) would probably lead you to do what the guy in this post did when he tested the material his ass is made off…but Maruge did it! The man was in his eighties, apparently senile and really wrinkly. Like other elderly people, he ought to have been at home showing his grandson where he wanted to be buried, but nay, the man wore shorts and trooped to Class One!!! Now, I doubt any teacher had the balls to tell him he had not done Kindergarten first, or even dare him to do touch his right ear with his left hand…

Maruge, just chilling at break time...

The man made a simple move and landed in The Guiness Book of World Records, for being so badass (I would have to jump from space to make it there as the first person to ever travel into space naked, if the Russians do not beat me to it)! Sitting in a class of noisy, unruly, young and energetic kids would probably kill us all, if not the noise, then the teacher sounding like she has become six years old instead of teaching the kids. Learning the alphabet would probably suck even more, but Maruge did it, for several years before death did that thing it does to people who try to be too badass…

Showing off knees, and ignoring the mukurino kid in the background..

# 4 Dr. Taita Towett

Virtually unknown to anyone born after 1985 (accounting for relatives and nosy Kenyans), Dr. Taita Towett is one man for whom a day was never done if there was no trouble. He asked his wife (wives) to fry and roast trouble, and feed it to him hot…okay..I’m getting a little taken..

We always knew spects on the head were a sign of badassery (he is most likely standing)

He also suggested, at independence, right after our flag replaced the Union Jack (which is just a flag with a weird name), he said, “Thieves should be shot in public to deter crime”.

“When in bad company, he is mum and when in good company, he does something good,” said Towett. He was speaking of Jomo, Mzee, the father of the nation, the man who was rumored to spank around his cabinet like the pimp he was. And did I mention he was a diminutive, tiny 4’ 10 (that’s really short by the way, for one who is not exactly a midget)

He carried out a study on the sleeping habits of moles and went further to establish the effects on human beings if someone ate the mole (which means he probably had trouble with mole, sounds kinda yummy doesn’t it? TroubleMole..). He had first wanted to use cats for the study but abandoned the feline animals because he discovered their ineptness. The cats were naturally heavy sleepers and he settled on the moles. That, and cats do not look exactly yummy….

Probably washing some moles for brunch...

Oh, and as if eating moles was not badass enough, his driver said “He repeatedly refused to let the person talking to him face the other way, so he decided to have the passenger seat in his vehicle either completely removed or turned to face the back seat.” Methinks he must have figured the easiest way to get head while driving, but try Photoshop a seat facing backwards and you’ll see just how crazy this man was.

And for all those men who are still peeing their pants because they are not home on time yet, Towett had, like any self-respecting Kalenjin man, several wives and several dozen children. His children (26- that’s two soccer teams and the linesmen) and wives (5 and two divorces, probably because they did not know how to seat facing backwards) could not just walk into his house. He always insisted that they book an appointment with him, as opposed to just walking in and saying “we need to talk”.

Now, I want you to try something when you get home tonight, open the door, look your wife in the face and ask her why she is there without an appointment. Meanwhile, am headed to Eastleigh to buy a suit for your funeral….

#3 Mzee Jomo Kenyatta

This man does not make it to this position because he had the balls of two Siameses buffaloes. He doesn’t even make it because he insulted crowds gathered to see him and was even rumored to whip his cabinet with a cane (yuh, sounds like a ministerial orgy, dunnit?) No, this man makes it here because of two things that have almost been forgotten…

First, Margaret, his daughter, was in Kenya High back when it was for extremely (note the level) rich people. Being the king’s apple of the eye she could invite her girlfriends (and probably a few teachers) over to State House for parties. When she planned a birthday party with telling papa, she called almost all the girls, even the fat one so they would have someone to make fun of during the party… Then she found out that Mzee had already planned to take the entire family to Coast for ‘resting’. Yeah, so she cried and threw a fuss, probably slapped an aide de camp or two to show how fussy she was, and maybe even broke something the colonial government had left. Yeah, she couldn’t tell all her friends the party was off, it was the kind of sleep over you parents drove you to and asked to meet the father of the host….oh, that, and she did not have enough time…

Jomo, showing off abs...

Then the old man came up with an ingenious solution (chillax, you’ll see why this is sharp), he called the Minister for Information (how relevant) and told him to make sure all the girls knew the party was off. So, he chucked his Iphone 5 and mass texted all of them, he even wrote on their walls and left each a tweet and a Google + message, right? No, he called Voice of Kenya (VoK) the only TV and radio at the time…Moments later, the music was stopped abruptly and the following was heard “Wale walikuwa wamealikwa kwenye sherehe ya Margaret Kenyatta wanajulishwa kwamba imeahirishwa” (Those who had been invited to Margaret Kenyatta’s party are informed that it has been postponed!) WTF! I mean, seriously, there is having two balls and there’s having so much balls…

Incident no.2 is what makes Kenyatta so badass! Wait for it…its probably something you have never heard of…

Rumors abound, even today, that the old mzee had had his balls between the pliers, when he was in detention, (apparently, white men liked to hold those). So, one day, Kenyatta took to the podium and said that it had come to his attention that some people were saying that he is balls had been crushed, and he could not father babies ( something that had to be in your CV, back then). To farther prove his point (and you will probably cringe at this), he dramatically turned and pointed at his wife (he probably never looked her in the eye, he must have gazed at the Shroud of Turin coming down from mount Kenya to get his poor behind), Mama Ngina, and asserted that any one who doubted his manhood could ask her!!! Now those are balls! That’s being badass because most men would rather be gored down by two buffaloes as they fight in a war than even imagine embarrassing their wives…

Sura ya Ndimu (and you though Makmende looked wrong?)

Doesn’t sound badass to you? Doesn’t sound like a man with balls definitely not made in China? Well, here’s a little experiment, the next time your wife comes to see you in the office, call everyone to attention and tell them that all those claims of you being a sissy should be directed to your wife. The suit I had gotten for the guy who tried Towett’s swag is still clean and somber by the way….

#2 Peter Mbugua

Now, let me give you a little information about this guy. He is the Mbugua we talked about in this post. The one the badass Wambui Otieno married back in 2003 which officially makes them both badass. Why is a man marrying making him badass? Doesn’t marriage generally result in the cutting off of all the balls a man has, and their placement in children who will probably lose them in a kalongo game? Yes?

Okay, picture this, you are just doing what you do all day, which is basically stonemasonry (which has nothing to do with Freemasonry by the way, unless they employ to construct their lodge) and you remove your tshirt to cool off (Thinks slow Motion, something Alejandro would do, or will, when you get home tonight). You look around and as your eyes whoosh past the windows, a curtain falls! You are sure the lady of the house has been ogling all over your body, right? (like in one of the soaps you will be watching today, only no gardener bullshit, this is the hardcore, pun intended). You feel a chill now, stone mason? No? Well, the lady of the house is kinda hot, if the year is 1945 that is. She has had a criminal lawyer in her sometime and probably some Mau Mau (which in this case does not sound like a gang of freedom fighters). ..and yet, you are in love now.Dunnit, what is a man to do?

Thats Mbugua on the left, with eyes closed and pupils dilated....

Every man fancies having a sugar mommy, and some of you are probably reading this with yours right now (or you will show her later, when she comes back from visiting her grandkids), but we have an unspoken of age limit. Well, it turns out Mbugua did not get the memo, that, or the guy we sent to write the telegram forgot to right stop between 1 and three (as in a third) and made it look like 1.3 times. That’s just badass! Coz am sure everyone wondered how the honeymoon went (apparently, honey does not go bad even with age), yes? Or was I the only one who had such bad mental images that I started sleeping with mosquitoes guarding my bed?

Suffice to say that if my phone was to start ringing right now, and the caller ID clearly stated it was God calling, and he offered me three pairs of new unused rim alloy, titanium coated, magnum-strengthened, shuttle-material, balls if I marry a 40 (that’s my limit) year-old woman, I would ask Him to give the said balls to the first guy he offered them to, and then hang up…

Mbugua, checking out said dame...

Marrying a woman that old, 42 years older to be precise, requires more than just a new pair of balls, God. And if that someone is something Harry Thuku most likely chased, then it makes him all the more badass….

and now…..Kenya’s most badass man ever!!!! *lights flicker*music plays*choir sings* everyone bows and claps for…..

#1 Akuku Danger

If you have watched the movie Death and Sex, then you know that sleeping with many women is a goal every man has, and it will probably kills us all. Now, it is enough that many of us want to have one-night stands with at least 90% of these women, and probably several trysts with the other 10%, right? Okay, what if I suggested you marry them all? Not only would we have manually refill your balls, but you would probably die from exhausition and broken limbs where limbs should not be broken on a normal day.

Now, meet Ancentus Akuku Danger, a man with a paradox for a name (a Dangerous chicken?). By the time he died in October of last year, the man had married 130 wives in a span of 78 years. That’s 1 point something women every year (and my math teacher told me living things cannot be referred to in fractions, but to show the level of badassery, lets…). 130!! That’s much more than Osama promised guys so they could bling themselves with explosives. Its almost the number of women Parliament will have next year. They range from doctors, lawyers, teachers to drivers and messengers (which makes me emphasize, sounds like Parliament).

With swag like that, one wonders why he never hit 200 wives....

Get this, the man has a Wikipedia page, just for getting married to women. Okay, let’s not paint an image him as having loved the 129-too many, to his credit he divorced 85 of them (which brings us back to the 90% one-night stands he turned into one-month marriages). Yeah, that, and his wives brought him more women..(aha! Then you start thinking about asking your woman to introduce you? Don’t even try!)Divorce grounds, infidelity! Knowing how women are careful when they cheat, and assuming that there were no SMS messages to present as evidence, I believe Akuku had his own Gestapo, mean and probably made of kids he had fathered in his boyhood. Oh yes, he actually did, he said, “I had spies attached to each home. They briefed me on how each woman went about her business in my absence both during the day and at night.” Now, it is not enough that the man spied on his wives (many wives, if I might add), but he did not hide it!!!! Please do not try this…please…oh, and imagine the spy ring for 130 homes, probably two spies working in shifts of twelve hours, right? Which brings the number to 260 spies, just a little above the number of his kids, right? See where am going with this?

Akuku, with 0.314 of his family, pie?

That leaves us with 45 married ones, right? So, how about we kill off 33 of them, and the man dies and is survived by 12? Methinks this man was into flash sex (they are like flash dances, only sexual in nature). Yeah, so with 200+ kids, he had two schools and a church! Which tells you that the Akuku Plate is probably the collection box, and imagine being in the same class with relatives, being taught by relatives in a school owned by your father? Doesn’t sound like fun, well, the man named all of them (and here I was struggling to name my phone)

Akuku, with wife number 100 and something

So, whats his secret to having balls that never run out? “Avoiding too much fat and salt has enabled me escape opportunistic diseases,” he once explained. Who would have known (*places down burger*)??

Yuh, and he kept a notebook of the homes to visit (read wives to hump)….its something like the contact list we have today…only, his were not booty calls, they were Danger calls…

Owaahh^TM